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The recent unfortunate events in Bridlington have motivated me to once again discuss the vexed matter of security for our priceless H-Ps. Some readers will have heard that a Wildebeeste MkIVA belonging to a long-serving Worshipful Master, that of East Riding Lodge No 34 (Restraint and Denial), was victim of an unsuccessful felony last month. Thankfully his rare H-P Imperial Security System proved entirely effective even after 60 years, and the ne'er-do-wells suffered serious wounds occasioned by the rotating blades and cudgels and the deleterious effects on their eardrums of the sequence of 93 Pugh-Blast Maroons.
It is to be deeply regretted that the local constabulary seemed more interested in the question of whether an offence had been committed under the heading of "grievous bodily harm" than in apprehending a gang of miscreants. The pleas that they were "only looking" are plainly ridiculous, as can be gleaned from the fact that all seven gave their domiciles as being a nearby council estate, and we all know what kind of people rent their homes rather than inherit. It is a pretty pass when the police cannot be trusted to uphold the rights of the propertied classes. "Tyke" Members have, needless to say, rallied around and lent bail.
I also must remind you of the H-P Disc Lock - a locking wrought-iron enclosure enclosing the front wheel. Its intricate mechanism then operates an inbuilt Rimski-Korsikoff Patent action which discharges four clips of dum-dum .303 rounds in the direction of any "deprived childhood worthy of sympathy" attempting to ride away with any H-P so immobilised.
The reason for bringing this up is that it is with graet regret that I inform you of the final inconveniencing of the Right Reverend Jack "Jacqueline" Kato, of H-PEC's Somerset & Avon Lodge (Doubtful But Safe), when he forgot to disarm his Disc Lock before riding off. The only consolation from this messy episode is that his toppling Manxman Clergy destroyed an adjacent inferior modern machine when Kato, aged 79, lost his balance after the fusillade removed the left side of his head.
